Today, I discovered I had a blog. Namely this one. And when I say discovered, I actually mean discovered. It’s existence had drifted away from my day to day consciousness. I was going through my gmail and found the link to blogger. It was a moment of pleasant surprise. (A similar surprise you have when you’re clearing up your house and find the hidden treasures you had tucked away somewhere in a corner, cupboard or folder.) I suppose it’s called nostalgia.
It’s like I get to talk a bit with the me from more than a year ago. Or she gets to talk to the present me, because I can say very little back. I can’t reassure about choices or paths. Past-me wonders about the now-me. Just like the now-me wonders about the future-me and feels a certain tenderness towards Past-me.
Past-me was uncertain of where she would be a year later. She is scared of the inevitable changes en she is scared that with the choices she makes, she excludes so much other possibilities (see previous blogs vertigo, and the road not taken) . I remember the bouts of anxiety I had, where I’d wake up at night and the future would be the most terrifying things imaginable. I remember sweaty palms and hyperventilation. I can even awake the feeling when I think about it too much. However, now I am at the place I worried about so much. I find the road is a pleasant hilly road, with every now and then a bump. I keep a steady pace and don’t take too much time to look behind. I look forward to my future adventures. It’s no wonder Past-me got a little out of sight.
I’d like to tell Past-me she’s right in the sense that it isn’t always easy. Sometimes I have to work really hard, but that she is and I am, capable of that. And that even though the choices at that point seem definite, there are always degrees of freedom (and more scary choices up ahead which haven’t even crossed her mind yet).
Oh and future-me, when you read this, please try not to laugh. I’m sure I sound very childish by then. Have a good one!
